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How to give a cat a pill...

Ever wanted to know how to give a cat a pill?

1. Gently but firmly pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of you left arm as though you were holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to his cheeks. When the cat opens his mouth, pop the pill into its mouth.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind the sofa and repeat the process.

3. Retrieve the cat from the bedroom and throw away the soggy pill.

4. Get second pill, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of throat with forefinger. Hold mouth shut and count to ten, if you can. Hold the cat's mouth closed as well.

5. Retrieve pill from the goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call for help.

6. Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between you knees immobilising both the front and rear paws. Ask someone else to hold cat's head with one hand while forcing ruler into cat's mouth. Flick pill down the ruler and rub the cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from top of curtains.

8. Carefully sweep shattered vase from floor and set aside for gluing. Get third pill.

9. Wrap cat in large beach towel and ask another friend to lie prone on cat, with cat's head visible under armpit. Put pill in end of paper tube (which you've already made for this purpose). Force cat's mouth open and blow.

10. Check label to ensure pill is not lethal to humans. Sip water to take taste away. Apply bandage to helper's forearm and remove bloodstain from carpet.

11. Retrieve cat from neighbour's roof.

12. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

13. Dial 999 amd ask Fire Department to retreive cat from tree.

14. Get the last remaining pill.

15. Tie cat's paws together with twine. Put on heavy-duty gardening gloves. Force cat's mouth open and drop pill in, followed by half a pint water down cat's throat and a tumbler of whisky down your own!

16. Ask friend to drive you to hospital. Sit quietly while doctor administers anaesthetic, stitches fingers and removes remnants of pill from eye.

17. Drop cat off along with donation, at the animal shelter, adopt a goldfish!

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