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Job Application

This is, apparently, an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment - and they hired him!

NAME:
*****

DESIRED POSITION:
Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY:
Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:
Scorpio with Libra rising.

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merlin

Chicken Windscreens

Once upon a time, a company who made reiforced windscreens for aircrafts decided
it would be a good idea to conduct a test to find out how strong they were.
The main reason for doing so was to test that they would withstand an impact from
a bird at high velocity.

The procedure of the test was as follows: a dead chicken, bought from a local supermarket,
was loaded ready for launch at 900mph towards the glass. However upon being fired, the
chicken not only penetrated the supposedly toughened windscreen, but flew right through
the entire plane and remerged out the other end!

The onlookers were obviously very disappointed by this. And the company disappeared to
rethink their design. In 6 months time when they reappeared ready to repeat the test,
media companies asked what they had changed about their design. A spokesperson for the
company said "Oh nothing, just this time we're going to remember and defrost the chicken"!

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i h8 mondays

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