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Miscellaneous Jokes

Bad Weather Report

The injuns in the north of Canada were wondering what the weather was going to be like over the coming winter, so they went to see their chief and asked him. Now he was not very well versed in the old ways, but he didn't want to admit it, so he said it was going to be a very severe winter. The injuns went away and gathered lots of wood to pile up outside their cabins.

After a while they went back and asked him again, as the weather had not been too bad so far. But he didn't want to admit he may have been wrong, so he said yes it was going to be a very severe winter. They went off and gathered lots more wood.

After another month the snows had still not arrived, so they went back and asked him again. Again he said it was going to be very bad. They gathered more wood.

By now he was feeling guilty, and very unsure of himself, so he got on his bike and headed for the met office in the nearest town. He went in and asked the met officers what the rest of the winter was going to be like.

They assured him that it was going to be very severe, and that he should prepare for a really really cold winter.

Relieved and intrigued, he asked them how they could tell that the winter was going to be so bad. What signs did they look for?

Well, said the met man, the north injuns have been going mad the last couple of months gathering huge quantities of wood, so they must know to expect bad weather!

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Billie

Drunk Test

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I might bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I'm afraid I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

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oio

Baked Beans

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively, reaction on her.

Then one day she met a man and they fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this sort of thing."

She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some
months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it,she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the
table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a
fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her
of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other
room,she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, She fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and Folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned.

Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!....

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

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